Dear 2012,
Everyone says it’s rude to break up with someone in a letter, that break-ups are something that need to be done face-to-face, or at least over the phone. But you know what? You don’t deserve any better. The only reason you’ll get this much from me is because I plan on telling you everything you did wrong.
Oh, sure, on the outside, you seemed perfectly nice- fun even. Hell, you gave the world Call Me Maybe and Thrift Store and Gangnam Style. You gave us Assassin’s Creed 3 and the Walking Dead in video games, as well as The Amazing Spider Man Movie, Wreck-It Ralph, and Les Miserables on the big screen. You gave us the second Venus transit of the century- the only one we’ll ever see. The Olympics happened in Britain- they were fun to watch, and the athletes were amazing. The rover Curiosity landed on Mars, and is expected to be there for 23 months.
I’m not going to deny that I fell for you pretty hard. You seemed amazing, not only on a world-wide level, but a personal one, too. You made me a lot of promises- none of which you upheld.
I started to think you might not be as nice as you seemed in early March, when one of my grandfathers was unexpectedly taken to a hospital. I was devastated, but the doctors worked hard and helped him. He recovered. I didn’t think the worst of you- every relationship has it’s ups and downs, right? I thought that pain was the worst I’d feel.
But then things got worse.
Over the summer, you gave me a job- a good one. (One of the only things I’m keeping from our relationship.) But in return for that, you threw my personal life into upheaval, with Oyster and I fighting constantly, the distance between us making it so much more difficult, never being able to see my family because of my job, and KiwiMasque and I at constant odds over belief systems. But once again, I didn’t leave you. I figured that this was life, with all its hardships included, and that I was just growing up. I wasn’t so naive at this point to think our relationship would last forever, but I was hoping it would at least end on good terms, that we could walk away from it as friends. I was hoping I’d be able to look back, and say, “Yes, I enjoyed that.”
But no. Instead, literally the day before I traveled back to L&L to start training as an RA, you put my other grandfather in the hospital- the grandfather that I hadn’t seen in two years, not since I turned 18. My family and I didn’t know what was wrong with him, and neither did the doctors. It didn’t help that we were far away from he and my grandmother, and that I could not go with my family to be with him, since I had to be at training. But I was holding on to some small hope that he’d recover and be fine. But I guess that was too much to ask for twice in one year. His condition worsened for two days straight, and I mentally prepared myself for his death. I was still with Oyster, and talking to him helped more than he will ever understand.
But then, suddenly, my grandfather’s condition became better. He was able to talk and eat again, though not often or strongly, but the doctors told us to have hope- there was a chance he could recover, even though they still weren’t sure what was ailing him. When my dad called to tell me, I was so excited. All my hope that I’d be able to see my grandfather returned. I just wanted to be able to see him again, to tell him I loved him. But you weren’t about to let that happen, were you. Any pretense you still had of being nice, or having any decency at all went out the window. You called me away from two hours to participate in a required RA meeting before dinner and then bed, and the next morning, my father called me to say that my grandfather had slipped into a coma. That there was one thing the doctors could try, but they weren’t sure if it would work. That my mom and grandmother were deciding if they should even go through with the procedure. I was shocked, and unable to really process what was happening. And then, a day later, without any answers or giving me even the slightest chance to tell him goodbye, you took my grandfather from me. He died without my even getting a chance to tell him I loved him.
I went to the funeral a few days later, and came back to L&L. I was hoping that would be all- that our relationship would just end. But no. You couldn’t just leave me alone. You had to kick me when I was already down. Not two weeks after my grandfather died, Oyster and I broke up. One day later, he was hitting on another girl, and a week later, he was making out with her in public. He promised me that he would be there to support me, to be my friend, but he didn’t even attempt to try to be. Because of everything that happened, my grades dropped and I suffered two mental breakdowns. My adviser asked me if I was feeling too pressured at L&L. My father asked me if I wanted to come home.
And at that point, I knew you’d won the battle. You beat me, 2012. You beat me down, and crushed my soul, and made me wish I was dead. But, eventually, even as beaten as I was, I fought back. I wasn’t going to let you win without scoring a few points. Not without letting you know I would fight you with every piece of my soul I had left.
The last month of our relationship was nothing but a power struggle. You threw everything you could into my face, from Oyster toying with my feelings and emotions, not to mention he and the Slut, to RA troubles, to finals, to family problems. I knew at that point that you had no boundaries in what you would do to hurt me, but I also knew that I could and would fight back. I started this blog. I made new friends. I refused to go down without a fight. I may have lost to you overall, 2012, but I didn’t lose myself. And that’s really what you wanted most of all, isn’t it? You wanted me to give in, to be officially beaten once and for all. You even thought you had that for a while. But I wouldn’t let you take over who I am, and for that, I say that I win. I can say that, in the end, even though I was battered, bloodied, crying, and scarred, I beat you, you bitch.
And, so, you piece of shit year, I’m leaving you now. Truth be told, I was already shopping around for someone new when we were about halfway through our relationship. And I’ve found him. His name is 2013, and I’ve got high hopes for us. We’re already making plans of fun, amazing things to do together. I can’t say I think my relationship with 2013 will last forever, but I do expect that I’ll be much happier with him than I ever was with you, if only because I know that, even at my lowest, I didn’t let you beat me, and that makes me respect myself and expect more from 2013.
If by some chance, you see me out and about, don’t bother trying to speak to me. I know you’ll want me back eventually, and you’ll crop up to try to make me fall back into your arms. But it won’t work. I don’t want you back, not now, not ever. If I see you, I won’t acknowledge you, except maybe to flip you the bird really quick before walking away.
I win, bitch. I’m leaving you, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me, nothing you can say to make me reconsider. You don’t control me, 2012- I refuse to let you rule my relationship with 2013.
With absolutely no love at all to you (but plenty to my readers),
The Femme Fatale Farmgirl
Femme Fatale Farmgirl 