Once upon a time, in a small rural town surrounded by miles of cornfields, there was a girl. A stupid girl. Well, maybe stupid isn’t entirely fair. She was an above average student, with more than enough intellect to get her places. She had enough street smarts, even living in the country, that she was quite safe whenever her family visited a city, which was often. No, she was stupid for a different reason. She was stupid because of her willingness to trust.
(This would almost kill her later.)
Because then the girl fell in love.
The guy she fell for was not particularly attractive in any way. He was somewhat rotund, his skin was pale and marked with acne, he knew way too much about computers, he harbored a somewhat obsessive love for Star Trek, and he spoke with a lisp. But he was kind to her, and funny, and she fell for him, despite all her friends warning her not to, saying that she could do better.
We’ll call him Trek.
She thought it was romantic that he would text her and tell her she was pretty and sexy and hot. (Though he never said beautiful.) He would send her good morning texts, and good night texts. Sometimes, he’d even call her to say good night. She’d catch him watching her at school and blush. She found herself looking forward to the times they’d pass in the hall. And maybe if that’s all that had happened, this would be a happy story.
But it’s not.
The girl and Trek confessed their feelings for each other over the summer, and before the first day, decided to start a relationship. When they saw each other, they went to lunch on their break. They kissed for the first time in his car before they ate. After they ate, they did more than kiss. They touched and licked and bit in the back seat of his car. It made them late getting back to class. The teacher raised an eyebrow as they walked in. The girl blushed, but she was too elated to really feel shame. After practice, she couldn’t find the guy. He wouldn’t answer her texts, and she didn’t want to call. Finally, he sent her a text, saying he didn’t want to be with her. That it wasn’t right. She was so sad. She thought the feeling was her heart breaking.
(She was wrong.)
She couldn’t talk to her friends about it, because she didn’t want to admit that their relationship had lasted less than 24 hours. She couldn’t look at him the next day. Halfway through, she locked herself in a bathroom stall to cry. She didn’t want her friends to see her sad. She didn’t like them seeing her as weak.
The girl couldn’t get over Trek. He had several short-lasting relationships in these months. One cheated on him, sending him back to the girl for comfort. She provided it, hoping he’d stay. He did not. Another refused his advances multiple times, hurting him. It broke her heart to hear him complain about, but she refused to make him go to someone else. Maybe all he needs is time, she thought. Eventually, he’ll realize that I’m the one who’s right for him. Then we’ll be together forever.
Finally, one day, something happened. Her parents went out of town. She invited him over. She told her sister not to tell.
He came, parked in the garage. She was excited to see him, but so nervous. She’d never had a boy in her bedroom before. After all, she was barely sixteen. She didn’t even have her license yet. He was a full year and a half older.
They started out just kissing, but it quickly became more than that. Of course it had. The girl was determined to make him stay this time. She would prove how much she loved him. He knew what she was doing, but it did not mean the same to him.
The girl had only bought a box of three condoms, thinking that would be plenty. She didn’t realize how much trouble they would be to put on. The first one ripped, the second leaked, and the third finally went on.
And they had sex. It was painful for her, and didn’t feel right. He kept thrusting too hard, and then falling out, no matter what position they tried. When he finished, it was rough and fast and held no pleasure for her at all.
But the girl didn’t care. She was glad that she was with him- this time in a way that could never be taken. He was hers, she was his. Surely this would last forever.
They spoke only a little over the next three days- they were both nervous because of the trouble they’d had with the condoms. If the one they’d used had broken, and the girl was pregnant… they hadn’t considered that.
But the three days passed and her period started. She was relieved, and she texted him. He didn’t answer. She assumed he was busy, or asleep. When Trek finally did text back later that same day, she was so excited. And then she read the text.
The text read that he was ending their non-relationship for good. There was no apology. There was no remorse. There was just an earth-shattering, soul-crushing end. And that’s when the girl knew what heart break truly was.
She lost her ability to trust anyone, including herself. She lost her innocence. She lost her view that humans, when pushed, would do what was right. She lost herself. The woman was in a void of her own making, and she did not know how to pull herself out.
And I knew I’d never be a girl again.
The Femme Fatale Farmgirl
Femme Fatale Farmgirl 